


Everybody’s Fool

by kyo1



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Depressed Peter Parker, Endgame (referenced), Happy Hogan - Freeform, Hurt Tony Stark, I refuse to accept that he died, Michelle Jones - Freeform, Ned Leeds - Freeform, Other, Pepper Potts - Freeform, Peter Parker - Freeform, Peter Parker Deserves Better, Peter Parker Has Issues, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Sad Peter Parker, Suicidal Peter Parker, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal actions, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark is alive, may parker - Freeform, sad fic, tony stark - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:55:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27635089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyo1/pseuds/kyo1
Summary: Peters struggling after endgameHe’s really trying.OrPeter is struggling after endgame and no one noticed until he breaks.
Relationships: Peter Parker & May Parker, Peter Parker & Michelle Jones, Peter Parker & Ned Leeds, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 15
Kudos: 161





	Everybody’s Fool

**Author's Note:**

> TW!! For suicidal thoughts and actions and mentions of self harm

Everything is too fuzzy, too dull. It doesn’t hurt the same way as before. Before, he could identify it. Feel the pit in his stomach expand with phantom pains by the minute. Someone could ask “ _where does it hurt?”_ , and he would know exactly where to point and exactly what to say. 

But now, he can’t pinpoint where it is. Everything is buzzing softly, not enough for him to notice at first- _does he ever notice anything?_ \- but enough to feel out of place. 

And then it grows gradually. It keeps buzzing and buzzing and buzzing and maybe his vision is getting a little more blurry and maybe his hands are getting a little more shaky, but he’s fine. God dammit he’s fine. And he’ll keep saying that until he bleeds out in front of everyone he loves. 

But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. It burns and it aches, but where? Where does it hurt? Where did it start? Where will it end?

_Will it ever end?-_

And maybe sleep has been running away from him. And maybe he spends weeks without showering and brushing his teeth because he can’t even take care of himself. But his living. ~~_He doesn’t want to be._~~

The bags under his eyes grow a little deeper, a little darker, his grades start slipping just a little bit, maybe he’s losing a little bit of weight, sometimes he can’t tell if he’s real, sometimes talking feels like a thousand pounds- ~~ _just like the warehouse oh god i’m stuck somebody help me_~~ \- so he keeps quiet. 

But he doesn’t break. He can’t. Not when he has the weight of the worlds on his boney shoulders. Not when a whole city depends on him. Not when millions of lives depend on him. Not when everyone he loves needs him. 

So he hides. He creates this false persona to create a false sense of security. He’s fooling everyone. But yet again, it’s easy to fool people when they’re already fooling themselves. 

But it backfires spectacularly. 

He doesn’t want to ask for help because what if he’s actually happy ? What if this is all fake. What if the bleeding thoughts he thinks aren’t real.

What if...instead of fooling everyone else, he’s only fooling himself. 

~~it’s easy to fool people when they’re already fooling themselves it’s easy to fool people when they’re already fooling themselves it’s easy to fool people when they’re already fooling themselves it’s easy...~~

And maybe it’s getting a little harder to breathe some days. And maybe some days he doesn’t feel like he’s breathing at all. 

But then some days everything is too sharp. Too present. Too alive (even himself). His senses rattle between extreme to dull he’s giving his brain whiplash. 

He’s coping. Trying to, at least. 

Everyone is too. 

The last battle is still fresh in his mind. 

Nightmares plague him so much he doesn’t sleep. He forces himself on his feet to work and work to avoid those haunting memories. But then of course his body, enhanced or not, breaks and he sleeps. Nightmares still plague him, but he’s too tired to wake up. And he’s stuck. Probably always will be. 

But he sucks it up and puts his brave face on. He smiles, he laughs, he talks... he goes through the motions of life without truly living. 

He doesn’t blame anyone for not noticing him fading, not when they’re trying to cope as well. And it stings a little, but he keeps pushing. 

Not just pushing forward to keep faking, but also pushing himself. 

He spends days hunched over his desk at the lab creating new things, he doesn’t eat, he doesn’t sleep. He does anything to distract himself. 

He works in the lab until his hands cant steady the tools, until his back burns from sitting, until black spots appear in his vision. He’s wearing himself out. He’s stretching himself to the end of his rope. 

He still waits for a sweet release. To finally let go. And everyday, he thinks 

_‘maybe letting go isn’t that bad’_

Its not after a few weeks that he actually considers that option. And he sits and he _~~writes his notes~~_ thinks. 

And everything is just going to plan. He wakes up in a daze and just _knows_. Knows that this is it. This is as far as he goes. This is his limit. 

He goes to school, he hugs May one last time in the morning, he does his handshake with Ned one last time, and he hugs MJ, for the first and final time. 

He actually lives a little the day he’s going to die. There’s probably something poetic in that, he wouldn’t know. 

The day finishes and the night sky blurs into the evening. He plays some music and lays down. His note is peeking out just a little bit from beneath his mattress. 

He grabs his blade. He holds it against his scar filled wrist.   
  


_He finally knows where it hurts._

**_Everywhere_ **

**Author's Note:**

> I’m at my limit, i don’t know how much more i can take. 🙃


End file.
